All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
