So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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