K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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