when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
