I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
