I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
