Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
