apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
