I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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