1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
