Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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