the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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