so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
