You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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