It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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