How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
