After last night, I could never be a politician.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
