Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
