Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
