I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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