i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
