did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
