I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
