why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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