Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
porn star boner night. come get it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
