How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
