Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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