The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
