I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
