Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
