just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
