Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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