My sheets look like a crime scene.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
