I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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