i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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