I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
