Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
