I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
