We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
