you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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