You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize