I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
