Your dad touched me again.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
