i think my tv is drunk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
