We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
where are my eyebrows?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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