Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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