im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
