I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
