You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
