The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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