At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
