He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
