Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
