I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
