Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
