you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
