Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
