I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
