cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
