Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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