so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
