Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
