i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
