I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
