rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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