Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just high enough for therapy.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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